Dear hurting child,
I remember your first two decades vividly; I experience them even now. You feel such deep sadness and outrageous anger, and you don’t know what to do with those feelings because the person who evokes them is too big for you to yell at or kick or do all those things you imagine yourself doing. So you’ve gotten good at distancing yourself from him, and from others who want to be near you because it’s too much work being happy for them all the time.
You’ve been burned by friends who thought your abuser was “cool”, who sided with him and abandoned you. It still doesn’t make sense to you today, but the best thing I can tell you is that those people are wounded and will go on to make other terrible decisions. Let them go.
I love you, sweet child. I wish I could hug you right now. You are not beyond love or being cared for, and you deserve love and attention. From healthy people. Healthy people will naturally give attention to you because that’s what they do. Until you learn that, though, you will seek others’ approval through excelling, through being what you conceive as “lovable”. You’ll do your best to hide your needs and feelings because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone. You want to be appear strong, and sharing anything about yourself that shows your humanity cancels out all the work you’ve done to float above all that.
It will take many years to unravel what happened to you and all the people you are mad at – because you are mad at them, regardless of what you tell yourself. But every time you revisit it you will be healed at a new level. Don’t be afraid to approach those memories when you are in safe relationships, including counseling. That is what your therapist is there for, and you’re only wasting your own time dancing around the issues. You will continue to repeat bad habits you learned while trying to survive in that chaotic environment; that will stop when you look at them and shine light on them, my dear child.
God has not left, nor will He fail you, as those friends and other trusted people have. He is with you and will bring good out of what was meant for evil (Genesis 50:20). You are not forever broken, but rather being melted and molded into a vessel the Master Craftsman will use mightily. He is not a God of confusion or chaos (1 Corinthians 14:33), and He will weave these scarlet threads of abuse into His truly awesome tapestry.
These words may only bring hope in the long run, when the terror is no longer imminent. But in these moments when you cannot escape, cling desperately to your gentle Father. Call on Him for comfort, and know He will deliver healing, and it will be complete.
I think you are amazing: Your resiliency, your heart that is has remained sensitive when it could have shut down and dried up. You inspire me when I am challenged, overwhelmed, or in dark valleys. I know you have been there and made it out even more alive than when you entered in.
Thank you for being the introduction to my story.